Sunday, July 6, 2008

Maybe I will "journal" more if i do it online. I don't know.

Maybe being a writing major wasn't the best idea. What the hell am I going to write a book on? I have to do this soon. As in the next four months. Can anyone write a book in four months? The Jenny character on The L Word is pissing me off. a lot. I am sure she is supposed to, but I find it dumb that they created a character I am supposed to go back and forth between hating and not-quite-hating. Ned called back and we finally were able to chat for a few minutes but I couldn't tell him I didn't think it will work out between him and I. I just can't stand to be lonely, and that's what I feel like right now. And Grant. Here we go again. Should I even try to make it work again? It will just happen again, even if next time everything seems different, if he seems changed, like it all went this time. Maybe I was in the wrong a little. I'm sure I was. But if he can make me that uncomfortable with so little, then obviously it can't be long term, just like he said. He was joking. I guess I'm not.
Hopefully no one ever reads this because it's just bull crap venting. Perhaps it will become something more at some point. Maybe I will have a breakthrough. Maybe I will be the eight millionth writer who finds she really does have something to say, that her work is not futile, and that she will prevail. I like it when it is warm, but not when I am alone. Actually, warm, yes, hot, no. Even borderline hot. There's that loneliness thing coming back to haunt me. When it is hot about, i don't want to be wandering around by myself, sweating, watching all the other singletons watch me and watching all the couples not pay me any attention. I thought I was that strong girl who spent many an hour wandering around alone in New York City last summer, but that was just a city in a brand new city, in a big, scary place, where no one knows if you are alone, and where I would never wear a sweater on a hot day. I don't want to get married to grant and now i see where poppy was coming from with not wanting to marry harrison. every time i am with grant, even though we are no where near marrying age/time/place, part of my mind it starting to get there, and i start to feel trapped when i think of being married to him. I think of how many restaurants i won't go to and how much art i wont see and how many vegetables i wont grow and cook and all of the conversations i will wish i could have with my husband and all of the family vacations that will be ruined because of awkward family relations. And how I will eventually get a divorce and it will be the hardest thing in the world. i don't want to do that to myself, and so i feel like an idiot for sticking with it now, if that makes sense. Everytime I am with a boy i like, and another male walks by who i think is attractive, i feel trapped again and i want to distance myself from the first boy. perhaps i should try randomly spending the night with people. i have only really done it once. well, i did it with sean and sam and jon, but i was friends with all of them. maybe they still count. fred didn't count. we made breakfast together in the morning. sean would be a good one to try again. he was good. he went down on me. loved that. my rabbit ran out of batteries. when i think of just randomly sleeping with boys for a night and then never seeing them again, that makes me lonely again. it makes me feel pathetic and alone when the day finally ends.

maybe if i were an artist i would feel better. maybe if i knew how to utilize any talent i had, to fully explore it. cooking, photographing, writing, gardening, knitting, anything. i have never allowed myself the willpower to become well-versed in any one thing. i am pretty good at a whole lot of things, but never great at anything. french. I want to minor in a dozen things, but major in nothing.
this is becoming very self-critical and self-loathing. not good.